


Parenthood

by needleyecandy



Series: Silly September [10]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Dolls, Gen, Pre-Thor (2011), Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 13:12:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4830338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needleyecandy/pseuds/needleyecandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor and Loki are very good-looking teenagers. Real eye-catchers.</p><p>Frigga wants to make sure they get the sort of sex-ed that their teachers can't give them. I don't mean that in a gross way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> From[a tumblr prompt. ](http://stardust-sketcher.tumblr.com/post/118754184506/otp-au-ideas) (Head's up for you people who read in bed in the middle of the night, the linked page plays music.) 
> 
> Enjoy!

Their mother would not listen to reason. They both did their best, but it was like talking to a wall. 

"Surely such primitive technology as this belongs in a museum," Loki said winningly. 

"Just because Midgard is less advanced, does not mean they lack for good ideas. This is one," she said firmly. 

"Father never had to do this, and he-." Thor broke off as she shot him a look. 

"Your father was... a later bloomer than either of you boys," she explained. "You are both catching the eyes of the ladies of the court far more than he did at your age. And if you _ever_ think of telling him I said that, remember that I am not too old to bear your replacements." 

"Even if we... you know, there are servants to tend to such matters," Thor protested. Loki sighed and put his face in his hands. He had had at least a slight chance of talking her out of it. That hope was now lost. 

Frigga put the thing in Thor's hands, but her eyes were on Loki. "Any attempts - magical or mechanical - to alter its functioning will cause my ring to glow," she informed him. His face was the image of injured innocence. She smiled sweetly. "Sorry. I know you far too well for that to work." 

As she walked off with a quiet swish of skirts, they looked at each other in despair. 

"Baby Think It Over," Thor said with a sigh. 

***** 

Thor had the doll the first night. Loki wanted them to share a chamber and share in the seeing to it, but Thor insisted that they take turns, each of them getting a good night's sleep on alternating nights. Loki agreed on the condition that Thor took the first night. 

He slept a grand total of two hours. They were not consecutive. 

First the baby cried because it was hungry. Then it cried because it wanted to be held. Then it cried because its diaper needed to be changed (and of _course_ Frigga had enchanted it to _really_ need its diaper changed), and finally it seemed to cry just to hear itself cry. 

"Good morning, daddy," Loki said with a smirk when Thor arrived late to breakfast, diaper bag over one shoulder and a baby carrier over the opposite elbow while the doll itself was clutched against his chest and screaming into his ear. 

"I'll daddy you," said Thor. For someone running on two hours' sleep, he thought it was a pretty good retort. 

Loki thought otherwise. "Ah, the delights of witty repartee with one's intellectual equal. Do tell me, Thor, where you found that particular bon mot. Was it by chance in its diaper?" he asked lightly. 

"It's your turn to learn all about its diaper," Thor said, dumping the bag and carrier next to Loki's chair and putting the doll over Loki's shoulder, where it promptly threw up the entirety of its most recent bottle. 

Frigga was an immensely powerful woman, with a broad range of talents and abilities. One skill she had never quite gotten the hang of was how to hide her amusement. 

"Yes, it's terribly humorous, mother," Loki hissed as he jumped up, putting the doll in his chair and daubing helplessly at his clothes with a napkin that had seemed large just moments before. 

"You did that to me so often," she said. "It is merely fitting that the queen of the realm delights in justice." 

Things grew worse when they arrived at their classroom. Frigga had apparently directed all their friends to act as though the horrid thing were real. 

Their civics teacher was in the middle of a lesson on duty and loyalty when Sif raised her hand. "How are we to trust a king to rule the realm when we can't trust him to keep his trousers fastened?" she asked. 

"I'm to serve on the Council one day," Volstagg added before the teacher could answer. "Will the king truly listen to my thoughts if he doesn't even listen to lessons on birth control?" 

"I took very detailed-" Thor began hotly. 

"Relax, Thor, we don't mean it. We're just saying what we were told to say," Fandral told him. 

"Well, I want to know why-" Thor began, his voice growing louder with each word until he was cut off by the baby starting to cry. 

"You can't yell around it, Thor," Loki snarled as he picked it up and put it over his shoulder. "Not unless you want me doing the same thing when you have it tomorrow." 

"I'm sorry," Thor said grudgingly. "Here, give it to me. It's probably due for a bottle." 

"Oh, no. I'm not doing _that_ again. I'll do the bottle and you can burp it." 

"Meanwhile, the rest of us would like to focus on our educations," Hogun told them. His voice was unnecessarily pointed and Loki glared at him. 

"Sorry," they muttered in unison. 

Things were no better after school was over for the day. 

"Mother, could you watch the baby for an hour? All our friends are going into the village for ice cream," Thor asked. 

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry," she said, in a voice that quite clearly said she wasn't sorry at all. "I'm going to be terribly busy doing whatever I want all afternoon." 

"Come on, Thor," Loki said. 

They were halfway out the door when she told them that the servants had been instructed to refuse assistance. 

By the time they went to bed, Loki was utterly exhausted from caring for the doll all day. 

Night brought no reprieve. Loki spent the majority of the time until morning sitting next to the cradle, rocking it and singing, because that was the only way to make it shut up. At breakfast Thor looked annoyingly well-rested. 

Thor's hand came up automatically to take the doll as Loki dropped it unceremoniously on his shoulder. "It's all yours. Have fun," he said sourly. 

Loki's joy when the thing threw up all over Thor's shoulder was quite unsporting, Thor couldn't help thinking. 

The second day of school was no better than the first. Worse, in fact, because even though Thor had slept through the night, it had come nowhere near making up for what he had lost, and Loki was even more peevish when he was tired than Thor was. 

"Perhaps you were right about the nights, brother," Thor said as they left the dinner table. "Perhaps we should stay together and take turns." 

"Of course I was right about it," Loki snapped. He handed the doll to Thor. "I'll be in your chamber in five minutes," he said. 

It was still light out when they went to bed, too exhausted to care that they had not retired so early since they were mere children themselves. 

They were halfway to sleep when the doll began to teethe. 


End file.
